I have big feelings

It’s early morning. The house is silent. The child is fast asleep. I’m making coffee and walking on Lego. I’m playing a game where I pretend how I’d feel if I hadn’t given up booze.

Well it’s Friday for a start, so I’d be looking forward to drinks tonight. And I’d likely be telling myself that’s ok, because it’s Friday.

I’d probably be making promises to myself about not drinking after the weekend.

Although it has been simple to make the switch, it hasn’t been without its moments of ‘oh I really want a glass of wine’. These moments are short lived and always come at a point where we’re marking a transition or an occasion. My biggest cheerleader is my non-emotive husband…

Me: ‘Oh I really want wine’

Him:  ‘Wise up mate’

When I say non-emotive, it’s something that we (I) joke about a lot as he has the ability to not be bothered by anything or anyone. I can see that changing. Things are having an impact on him rather than falling off his shoulders.

My friend’s three year old nephew says ‘I have big feelings’.

I have big feelings too! I read a poem* a few days ago and tears started streaming down my cheeks. I haven’t cried at poetry before. Wow. I’m tapping into emotions that I never knew I had. Cutting out alcohol is taking me to extreme places. I’m enjoying the ride, the highs and the lows, and the rapid benefits that are really noticeable and very encouraging like my healthy bank balance and my leaner body.

When I’m feeling wobbly, I remember that this journey, this life hack, this social experiment is my choice and the wobbles leave.

 

*by Nayyirah Waheed

 

your soul stained my shoulders.

my whole life smells like you.

this

will take time.

undoing you from my blood.

 

—the work